Looks like its been some…200 and something odd days since I last visited this place. I guess I should maybe make this into some sort of rambling/constant stream of thought/VERY one sided conversation. I’ll put this here now so I know it’s here:

I’m not going to make a public display of my private life.

Not limited to, but including:

  • Relationships
  • Relation-shits
  • Family matters
  • …That’s all I can think of right now.

Man, looks like some sort of official document…

Like I said, just a series of train-of-thought. It’s not a diary per se, I mean, I’ll probably put stuff like:

“Got up. Had a dump.”

“Man, sometimes people are such buttholes”

“Today, I did this thing”







I guess I’ll write about some things that happen. Like, Oh I dunno… If I get a job or something like that.

I won’t proof read. I might write gibberish. STUFF.


Time is: 22:39 (how long until I get distracted by something on the internet?)

Listening to: Vesta by Soilwork (I’m not too far from the end of the album)

If you look backwards through this blog you’ll see this post: https://cjwilmut.wordpress.com/2013/09/29/one-a-totally-unrelated-note-iron-and-the-soul-200lbs-will-always-be-200lbs/

Says: "Unrelated" pssh, it fucking is related.

To University it isn’t. Uni is the reason I started this blog. Otherwise I wouldn’t be sat here at 22:59 making minimal progress on writing…something. I’d probably be playing X:COM Enemy Within (man that game is surprisingly hard to put down) maybe even, Titanfall or Battlefield. <— Irrelevant. Distraction.

Back to the point

Today, picked up a barbell for the first time since….July. Yeah, mid July (2014). Got one and some plates from my Uncle. Took em out into the backyard and taught my brother how to squat and lunge correctly. He’s only 16 but about a foot taller than me

Not really, just feels like that purely because he's a bit taller.

Soilwork’s Parasite Blues has started playing. I think, because he’s grown up so quick he’s a little top heavy as his balance on his ankles is a little off but we’ll sort that out. Like I was saying. Henry fucking nails it with that essay right? Don’t get me wrong, when I was about 1.(roughly) 5 stone heavier from lifting and eating like a mad man, there was a sense of “Man, I feel better about myself because I look a bit better”. No matter what anybody says, that will always be an almost..unconscious? Thought. Who doesn’t want to look better? However, that isn’t what did it for me. Lifting was my stress reliever. Almost everything had its exercise to help relieve some stress:

Pissed because I’ve got a lot of work?


Relationship stuff?


Fucking..anything? A problem? Bah I don’t care. Not when I was in the gym. 1 – 3 rep MAX squats with a pause at the bottom. Man, there’s just something about that feeling of “OH HOLY FUCK MY LEGS ARE GOING TO EXPLODE” that feels, just…straight up awesome. The squat is the greatest exercise. Ever. PERIOD.

Lower. SLOWLY. Sit. Wait (weight hur hur). Wait..keep. Fucking. Waiting. GO. Stand up. 

Come on you bitch, stand up! Stand. UP. Push. Push. PUSH. 

You’re there. Stood at the top.

The struggle of building strength through weight training is an immensely calming sensation. On the surface you look like shit. Veins protrude through your skin. Your face burning bloody red. You look like some sort of comic Satan straining for a shit but you don’t notice any of that. I tend to think that my brain runs on overdrive that’s why I get distracted so easily sometimes but when you’re in a rack/cage with a bar across your back there’s only a handful of things that matter. Aww man you’re partner is leaving you because you just don’t cut for them anymore? Pah, doesn’t matter. You haven’t got that thing done for that deadline and you’re panicking? Doesn’t. Matter. Not here. A handful of things matter here and its this:

  • Breathing
  • Form
  • Successfully completing the movement.

It was the one place I could and would forget about anything. Hell, sometimes you’d use whatever was on your mind as fuel.

And trust me, you'll have a fucking good session when that happens.

[Machine Head: Now We Die is playing]

Where was I?

Picked up a barbell today. In the garden.

Oh yeah. Some lunges. That’s all I did. I’d rather not squat without a rack as, I find, you can’t quite squeeze your traps together in quite the same way as you would lifting off a rack, I can’t remember how many sets I did. 12 reps a time but I kept swapping weight in and out. It was cool doing that with my brother. To be honest, having a training partner is always good. You can feed off of each other. Competition. Sometimes you just gotta lift on your own though.




In 6 or so months of being home I’ve lost, more or less all the weight I’d gained at uni.

And you're complaining?
It wasn't weight I wanted to lose. 

The loss of all that progression really bums me out. The time, the eating, the discipline and the un-social-ish-ness (don’t get me wrong though, I met some wicked great people!)

Oh and the pain. Anyone who trains knows DOMs
but, it's a nice pain. It's what lets you know you broke ground

but then I remember, I now have some Iron I can abuse.

And as Henry puts it:

“The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you’re a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black.”


Now listening to Henry Rollins – Spoken Word Guy.

– Signing off for tonight.


Day…A few days





I meant to update his yesterday! Whoops. Lets continue the ramble:


Not much has really gone on. I’ve delved a little further into my research for this assignment however, I am reluctant to do anything to indepth as I need to confirm whether or not this is within the brief. NOW, to update: 

  • Acquired MAX MSP (I’ve opted for a month free first and then I’ll purchase a year’s sub)
  • Got me a book from the Library! Steve Goodman’s Sonic Warfare, Sound, Affect and the Ecology of Fear. 
  • Found a few videos on echolocation and patches created for it in MAX
  • Researched a few indie developer game engines. 

I picked up this book after seeing it on my course reading list. I find the way sound affects us. The way tension is created, how certain moods are conveyed and the affect extreme frequencies/volumes has on the body/mind. If I am able to go down the game route and I do create something with a horror aspect, sound will be playing a BIG role in the game. The…Psychology of sound? Will play a large role. UN-NERVE!

Links to things: 

UNITY Engine: http://unity3d.com/unity/workflow

UNREAL 3 Dev Kit http://www.unrealengine.com/en/udk/ 

BLENDER (A simpler? Engine): http://www.blender.org/education-help/tutorials/animation/ (Here’s blender being used with MAX MSP!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiASl-vK0z4 – Audio Input from MAX being used to control the Blender Engine. Could this be a starting point for me? 

…Hell, there’s even a big ol’ list of Indie Engines, kits and the such here: http://www.indiedb.com/engines

Aaand finally, here: http://cycling74.com/project/echolocation-dynamic-aural-fragmentation/ . An interesting read!

Will update this section more.

On a totally unrelated note: Iron and the Soul. 200lbs will always be, 200lbs.

People who know me will know I am a big Fan of Henry Rollins. This is an essay HE wrote. Iron and the Soul. It struck a chord with me because what he writes is true. I enjoy going to the gym, not because I want to be a body builder but because there is a sense of gratification of when you lift something you couldn’t lift last week but now you can. Not just once but again and again. It’s a great way to let out stress. OK so I’ve had times where I’ve got stressed in the gym but the gym is one place I can forget about other daily shit.

So here it is: (I take no credit in the writing of this essay, I am merely making it available in another place on the internet for people to read and hopefully take inspiration from).

Taken from: http://www.theironandthesoul.net/2012/04/the-iron-and-the-soul/

henry-rollins-01 (1)

The Iron and The Soul – by Henry Rollins.

I believe that the definition of definition is reinvention. To not be like your parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself.


When I was young I had no sense of myself. All I was, was a product of all the fear and humiliation I suffered. Fear of my parents. The humiliation of teachers calling me “garbage can” and telling me I’d be mowing lawns for a living. And the very real terror of my fellow students. I was threatened and beaten up for the color of my skin and my size. I was skinny and clumsy, and when others would tease me I didn’t run home crying, wondering why. I knew all too well. I was there to be antagonized. In sports I was laughed at. A spaz. I was pretty good at boxing but only because the rage that filled my every waking moment made me wild and unpredictable. I fought with some strange fury. The other boys thought I was crazy.

I hated myself all the time. As stupid at it seems now, I wanted to talk like them, dress like them, carry myself with the ease of knowing that I wasn’t going to get pounded in the hallway between classes. Years passed and I learned to keep it all inside. I only talked to a few boys in my grade. Other losers. Some of them are to this day the greatest people I have ever known. Hang out with a guy who has had his head flushed down a toilet a few times, treat him with respect, and you’ll find a faithful friend forever. But even with friends, school sucked. Teachers gave me hard time. I didn’t think much of them either.

Then came Mr. Pepperman, my advisor. He was a powerfully built Vietnam veteran, and he was scary. No one ever talked out of turn in his class. Once one kid did and Mr. P. lifted him off the ground and pinned him to the blackboard. Mr. P. could see that I was in bad shape, and one Friday in October he asked me if I had ever worked out with weights. I told him no. He told me that I was going to take some of the money that I had saved and buy a hundred-pound set of weights at Sears. As I left his office, I started to think of things I would say to him on Monday when he asked about the weights that I was not going to buy. Still, it made me feel special. My father never really got that close to caring. On Saturday I bought the weights, but I couldn’t even drag them to my mom’s car. An attendant laughed at me as he put them on a dolly.

Monday came and I was called into Mr. P.’s office after school. He said that he was going to show me how to work out. He was going to put me on a program and start hitting me in the solar plexus in the hallway when I wasn’t looking. When I could take the punch we would know that we were getting somewhere. At no time was I to look at myself in the mirror or tell anyone at school what I was doing. In the gym he showed me ten basic exercises. I paid more attention than I ever did in any of my classes. I didn’t want to blow it. I went home that night and started right in.

Weeks passed, and every once in a while Mr. P. would give me a shot and drop me in the hallway, sending my books flying. The other students didn’t know what to think. More weeks passed, and I was steadily adding new weights to the bar. I could sense the power inside my body growing. I could feel it.

Right before Christmas break I was walking to class, and from out of nowhere Mr. Pepperman appeared and gave me a shot in the chest. I laughed and kept going. He said I could look at myself now. I got home and ran to the bathroom and pulled off my shirt. I saw a body, not just the shell that housed my stomach and my heart. My biceps bulged. My chest had definition. I felt strong. It was the first time I can remember having a sense of myself. I had done something and no one could ever take it away. You couldn’t say shit to me.

It took me years to fully appreciate the value of the lessons I have learned from the Iron. I used to think that it was my adversary, that I was trying to lift that which does not want to be lifted. I was wrong. When the Iron doesn’t want to come off the mat, it’s the kindest thing it can do for you. If it flew up and went through the ceiling, it wouldn’t teach you anything. That’s the way the Iron talks to you. It tells you that the material you work with is that which you will come to resemble. That which you work against will always work against you.

It wasn’t until my late twenties that I learned that by working out I had given myself a great gift. I learned that nothing good comes without work and a certain amount of pain. When I finish a set that leaves me shaking, I know more about myself. When something gets bad, I know it can’t be as bad as that workout.

I used to fight the pain, but recently this became clear to me: pain is not my enemy; it is my call to greatness. But when dealing with the Iron, one must be careful to interpret the pain correctly. Most injuries involving the Iron come from ego. I once spent a few weeks lifting weight that my body wasn’t ready for and spent a few months not picking up anything heavier than a fork. Try to lift what you’re not prepared to and the Iron will teach you a little lesson in restraint and self-control.

I have never met a truly strong person who didn’t have self-respect. I think a lot of inwardly and outwardly directed contempt passes itself off as self-respect: the idea of raising yourself by stepping on someone’s shoulders instead of doing it yourself. When I see guys working out for cosmetic reasons, I see vanity exposing them in the worst way, as cartoon characters, billboards for imbalance and insecurity. Strength reveals itself through character. It is the difference between bouncers who get off strong-arming people and Mr. Pepperman.

Muscle mass does not always equal strength. Strength is kindness and sensitivity. Strength is understanding that your power is both physical and emotional. That it comes from the body and the mind. And the heart.

Yukio Mishima said that he could not entertain the idea of romance if he was not strong. Romance is such a strong and overwhelming passion, a weakened body cannot sustain it for long. I have some of my most romantic thoughts when I am with the Iron. Once I was in love with a woman. I thought about her the most when the pain from a workout was racing through my body.

Everything in me wanted her. So much so that sex was only a fraction of my total desire. It was the single most intense love I have ever felt, but she lived far away and I didn’t see her very often. Working out was a healthy way of dealing with the loneliness. To this day, when I work out I usually listen to ballads.

I prefer to work out alone. It enables me to concentrate on the lessons that the Iron has for me. Learning about what you’re made of is always time well spent, and I have found no better teacher. The Iron had taught me how to live. Life is capable of driving you out of your mind. The way it all comes down these days, it’s some kind of miracle if you’re not insane. People have become separated from their bodies. They are no longer whole.

I see them move from their offices to their cars and on to their suburban homes. They stress out constantly, they lose sleep, they eat badly. And they behave badly. Their egos run wild; they become motivated by that which will eventually give them a massive stroke. They need the Iron Mind.

Through the years, I have combined meditation, action, and the Iron into a single strength. I believe that when the body is strong, the mind thinks strong thoughts. Time spent away from the Iron makes my mind degenerate. I wallow in a thick depression. My body shuts down my mind.

The Iron is the best antidepressant I have ever found. There is no better way to fight weakness than with strength. Once the mind and body have been awakened to their true potential, it’s impossible to turn back.

The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you’re a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.

Day one


>TFW (That feel when) you’re trying explain, convey if you will, the outline of your initial idea to somebody and it is so much clearer in your head than you can describe. Lets make a second attempt at this and see if I can actually do it.


…Here goes:

From what I am led to believe, for this assignment for University. The ‘product’ we are to produce can be anything. That’s right. Anything, infinite creativity. However, I do believe it must fall in some form of line with the Degree I am studying (Music Technology). We are using a program called MAX. From what I have read and have been told it is something special. It’s coding a program but works more in the realms of Lego rather than lines of text. You just take these blocks, put them together and WOOPAH, you’ve made something. Obviously it’s more in-depth than that but knowledge is fledgling. A mere seed waiting to grow into a big knowledge plant (Yup, a knowledge plant).

So! The waffle continues… One of the examples that was brought up during the lecture was somebody had created some form of sound related surfing game using MAX and a Wii balance board. Now I love games. I AM a gamer. I also love my music. So… BLIND PEOPLE. Yes, yes I’m coming to that. The first thing that came into my mind was “Why not create some form of Psychological Horror/Thriller where the main Protagonist is blind”.

“Whats the point in that?” You ask. Well, what if you had to rely on echo-location to ‘see’ your environment? It would start off simple with your character having to navigate a corridor with a few obstacles and then build up to you having to run from something chasing you….

So how would it work? In my head I see it as your character’s movement is controlled by the standard W,A,S,D for movement (I’m a PC gamer and what of it?) and possibly the mouse for a further dimension of vision. (Possibly a touch over 90 degrees each way to replicate a human neck?), Space for jump, CTRL for crouch, all that usual jazz. The echo location would work by the player themself having to use a microphone. I think rather than having preset actions wouldn’t be as immersive as having the player actually make clicks and whistles. The game would also need to be tuned to the players own voice to provide a more accurate response? Like voice recognition on your phone. So! As you stare at you blank screen (should it be entirely blank or should there be a very VERY slight amount of vision close to the player as so you are aware of your position?)  with minimal HUD (that’s a Heads Up Display) you make a clicking noise into your microphone and you see on the screen as the sound wave produced by your click passes through the room and reflects off of the surrounding environment essentially allowing you to ‘see’ the surroundings?

Maybe sort of like Ben Affleck In Daredevil but not as lame?

Anyway, that’s enough typing for me and just a mere taster of my idea for you! If anybody reads this an just happens to work for a games developer…Don’t you damn dare steal my idea! …Same goes if this has already been done and I’m as imaginative as I’d like to think.


Planting the seed!

An idea is planted, it grows and develops and then comes to fruition as an fully fledged idea plant.. That works right? 

This is where I’ll be updating the progress of my idea plant, its growth, development and its inevitable ‘Nope, this ain’t working…we better change this entire idea’. 

Now I’m pretty new to this whole blogging thing, so this is going to be short and to the point (with some waffle) however, as the posts go on they’ll no doubt, turn into ramblings or direct brain to keyboard to blog typing. I’ll most probably update this tomorrow with a full(ish) rambling of my idea for this assignment and what spawned it.

I really hope this is something I can pull off as I’m quiet excited by it…considering I thought it up in the space of about 22 seconds…

Right its time for bed, excuse if there are words missing/this not being easy to read. I need to bed my brain.